420 ftw
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
