did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
