I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
