You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
