at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
