win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
