My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize