Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
