Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
