were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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