You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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