Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
