You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
