I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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