Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize