my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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