Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
