I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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