I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
