That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
