As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
