i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
