I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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