Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
