Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
