cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
