I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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