Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
