I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
