What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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