It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
