she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
