Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How external is "for external use only"?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
