You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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