Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
