I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize