chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
