After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
