new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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