my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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