This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
