so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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