hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
