The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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