He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
