Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
