She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
