Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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