My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
