I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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