I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
