If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
