the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
