She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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