Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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