She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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