He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize