He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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