her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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