only you would photoshop your dick
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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