When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
even my farts smell like vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
