He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
