When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
