I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
