turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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